Judgmental freespirit trying to figure out what to be when I grow up!

Feline friends

2011-04-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

As you may notice, my Flickr photostream features cats. They are usually Derby & Beckham, my two male tabbies. Derby is 9 and Beckham is approaching 4. Their less photographed older sibling is Chipwich, a silky black & brown tabby. I initially named her Chipwich because her stomach had very distinctive black spots and they reminded me of the ice cream sandwich. She is 11 & has trouble jumping up to her water bowl. But she can move quickly - she has been a scaredy cat for 9 years and lives in fear of being caught. When caught, though, she will submit to petting and we try to scratch her back as well since she's 13 lbs & can't groom that well. Her legs are really short and "girth" is easily defined when looking at her. So I have two cats that are "geriatric" - many cats live until 18, but my childhood cats had thyroid problems & died around 14. And Beckham has changed from a kitten into a cat - he displays a lot less playfulness (which in many ways is great!) and is a sweet lovebug even more often. Luke told me that when we look for another cat after one passes, we can get a Maine Coon like my first (on my own) cat, Mischka. That cat will not be my Mischka. But it won't be a tabby. I am conflicted. I do want a fluffy, long-tailed cat full of personality. But I love the stalwart stolidness of the tabby. Writing this reminds me that while death is a horrible part of living, the world is so big & rather than constantly focusing on the loss, look forward. I will never forget that I asked the vet to put Mischka to sleep when she was suffering and watched her die. I will never forget the way the Mischka drooled on us when she sat on us & purred. I will never forget how the Mischka refused to give up her mama when Lil joined us - I can see her figuring out where to jump on my lap when I was nursing my "second" baby girl. I remember hearing horror stories about pets & new babies & knowing Mischka wouldn't be mad. When I had to put Lil in the bassinet or crib & Mischka was there & I had to remove her, she didn't get mad at me. She just waited for me to come back to bed so she could sit on me, her ultimate target. And drool.

Money, money, money

2011-04-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

$1 billion is slated to be raised, and presumably spent, by President Obama in his reelection campaign. All of the GOP hopefuls are gearing up their fundraising machines so they can control the spin, the message, the bulls**t to first battle each other in the primaries and then wage the final battle against Obama. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, isn't it just silly? Granted, this money goes into small businesses, but a lot of it goes to polling groups, advertising agencies on Madison Avenue & television station owners. (Full disclosure: I own stock in a station owner & yes, their profits & their stock price has significantly increased in part because of the 2010 campaign.) If the 2012 election costs more than $2 billion just at the presidential level, what does that say about us as a country? Why are we not spending our money buying books for schools, donating food to soup kitchens? As political as I am, I decided a few years ago not to donate to campaigns or PACs, etc. I will donate my time & I will speak out in support of something, but for the moment, I won't give money to anybody.

Annoyed at Disney

2010-05-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

My note to Disney tonight. I think it's pretty rational.

I was getting kinda frustrated dealing with arranging my dining reservations. So, I decided to click the Contact Us button. Here's where I went:

It is so difficult to deal w/ dining reservations. None of them are connected to my lodging reservation or at least it appears so on the 'net. Why do I have to access each one individually? I'd like to go to 1 spot that has all of the info at-hand. Otherwise, what is the point of having it? I have to manage each dining reservation individually.

Why is it so difficult to manage? It's just silly!

As a database person, I'm trying to understand why you're not householding dining reservations w/ the lodging reservation. How about having a calendar planning tool that shows me what my schedule is?

Is that weird? Are calendars an odd idea?

If I have a username & ID, why do I have to go to my other email & pull up the reservation number to input on here? Why isn't my stored reservation securitized by my login?

I've been thinking about tattooing the reservation numbers on my arm, but I'm running out of room. What's the point of having a secure login if you have to put in your DNA sequence?

This is my 3rd Disney vacation in 1 year & it is so frustrating to navigate the website. And to pull up every single email with confirmation & reservation numbers for every individual event is extremely frustrating. We're not dealing with my bank account & health insurance here. They're frustrating enough, why is my vacation planning so much more difficult? Especially given the fact that your DRC is not 24/7 and it's not a toll-free call, the online tools should be easy to use. I have had several great calls w/ your reservation agents, but why don't you leverage technology better?

The Interweb has come a long way, baby. I can check all of my credit card transactions, my health care claims & access my cats' veterinarian. But to deal with my Disney vacation, it's 18 layers of security.

I'm going with extended family & I said I would work on the dining reservations. Writing everything down, keeping track of the changes after we discussed itinerary changes & planning our days has been difficult to handle. We divided a couple of things up in terms of reserving things but there's no way to consolidate our reservation plans. Doesn't that seem silly? If my sister-in-law makes plans for Chef Mickey's Breakfast and I make plans for 1900 Park Fair for the same day for all of us, shouldn't there be a flag that gets triggered to alert us? Why can't we connect our reservations? And maybe some partnerships w/ Google Calendar or Outlook to help a bit?

Planning a Disney vacation is somewhat easy until you come to the eating part. If you want to eat at the Quick Service restaurants, easy enough. But going to the character breakfasts, Cinderella's castle, the Brown Derby - they're in high-demand. They demand reservations! Setting them up is somewhat complicated...Hopefully, I've done it well!

Libraries & Masterpiece Theatre

2010-04-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

Books - They're pretty special to me. I love the line in Sex & the City when Big asks Carrie why she gets books from the library when she can obviously afford to buy them. She tells him she loves the smell. Me too.

My first book collection was mostly my brothers' hand-me-downs. There was a bookcase in my room, filled with Hardy Boys' mysteries and kids' histories/biographies. That bookcase did not belong in my room - walking into the mint-green painted room would not have made one think about a dark wood bookcase with Hardy Boys' books.

But I loved that bookcase. When I couldn't sleep (insomnia at the age of four isn't normal?), I'd re-explore that bookcase. It contained about 50 books. I'd go through it & try to find one that interested me. I did eventually read the Hardy Boys' books.

The library was magical for me - the Gaithersburg library burned down in 1981. When we read about it in the Gazette, I felt like my world had fallen apart. You see, I had NOT read EVERY book there. And because it had burnt down, I wouldn't even know what I hadn't read. If the card catalog was gone, so was my future.

I survived. The county built another library and I dragged my mom there just about every 12 days in order to obtain more books. She'd run over to the mall (not that I didn't go to the mall with her, but my mom rarely came into the library with me) and return in 25 minutes for me. (Who does that with an 8 year old anymore?) I would inevitably have 22 books in my arms and be struggling to open the car door.

Since I quit my job in December, I had been going to the gym, enjoying happy hour at Iron Bridge, and relaxing more. I'd do my strength exercises at the gym & anticipate my cardio when I could read. I'd choose a well-lit spot at the Bridge so I could read. I stayed awake until 2 AM often, unable to put down a great book. When I had foot surgery in January, I brought in a book to read while I waited for pre-op prepping.

I had returned to my old habits - ordering tons of books, like Elizabeth Kostova's The Swan Thieves, Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall using the Howard County Library system...I got up to 44 books being out. (Please realize, this included 5 or 6 books for Lily & a couple books about Disney World for upcoming travel.) (Not that this makes it any better.)

When I dropped off 2 books & picked up 3 last week, the librarian checking me out looked me in the eye, and said "You know, you can only have 60 books out" in a scolding voice. Although I'm 34 with a child of my own, I instantly reverted to "I think I have a book in the car that I forgot to bring in!!!" in a defensive, pleading for probation type of voice. And I did, really. There was a book that had been buried under the detritus of kid stuff & mail & newspapers that is my actually gorgeous car.

But now I'm working, which is preventing me from reading my books on a timely basis (3 weeks??? to read 40 books?? seriously?) (um, ok)

Howard County is sending me nasty emails every other day - "Notice - Overdue Items" - I feel so demeaned by the government to which I pay ridiculous taxes. (Sarcasm is evident, right?) I keep the emails because I think that I'm going to use them to categorize the piles of books.

go ahead & return me because you're not going to have the time to read me and I'm such a great book that 1) people are demanding me & 2) you don't have the ability to focus on me like I deserve
tenth of the way into the book & still not really interested & aren't you glad that you didn't actually buy me
7 people in the Comments section of the Washington Post Book Review said they found deep, profound insight in this book that has changed their lives forever (this one's just kidding, 'cause I don't really read this type of book, but c'mon, you know what I'm talking about)
cover is fascinatingly intriguingly gorgeous - but the print inside is kinda small & I have to cross my eyes to actually read it
smelled good

Which brings me to Masterpiece Theatre. I'm attempting to watch Sharpe's Challenge. It's pretty good. But I'm forcing myself to watch it. There's no way I would have read this...military, ehh. I don't usually look to Masterpiece to substitute for my reading, but given the other 44 books I have to read, sometimes TV helps. Althought right now, I'm watching Sharpe cut a horse, so I think I'm done for the night.

2009-12-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

I miss London. A city where you walk so much - a city where people do not complain.

One thing I noticed the most was that no one was obsessed with swine flu - no hand sanitizer, no masks. I returned to America recognizing the frantic nature of the country - and I wish it was not.

When I go to the gym, so many people are wiping the equipment with antibacterial wipes all the time. Really? How many people get terribly infected with viruses from the gym? It's silly. I wash my hands at least a dozen times a day.

I have 3 cats. Some would argue that pets are dirty & infecting. But so strange, my cats are NEVER sick - why is that? My animals are cleaner than my kindergartener. We constantly have to tell her to not do something because she's getting germs on her. And knowing how dirty this world is, I try to avoid yucky things - Lil doesn't get it. So I'll continue to yell at her for touching every tangible item in the restroom...

Freedom

2009-12-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Not sure...

I have recently left a job where I had been for more than 5 years.

Some people do not understand the idea of leaving a job. Some people say they feel they want to leave a job too, but they are pushing through it.

I decided that I was not going to cope. Isn't it strange how our jobs hold us so much? We are so scared to leave them...we do not make decisions apart from them...

Do you know what you were supposed to do?

2009-11-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

I believe I was supposed to sing. Not that I have an incredible voice - I have a good voice that people enjoy. But I feel the emotion - songs were not written to be sung by rote. I have written a couple of songs & it would break my heart if they were sung without feeling.

My heart is breaking - I want so sing..

Remembering

2009-10-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

The 20th century came to a close with a shudder, but not with a bang. The bang came in September 2001.

On that day, two colleagues argued over the terror level of their perspectives. One had been raised in Qatar after his parents had fled Syria & the other was an African-American woman who had been raised in the DC area. He argued that these things were so common in the Palestinian neighborhoods that they were deadened to terror attacks. She argued that drive-by shootings & drug deals were so pervasive in poor black neighborhoods that they knew all about it.

They were competing with each other in a game that could not be won.

Tonight, I am finally watching Sophie's Choice. It is SO different than what I expected. I thought the whole movie would be depressing, angry, pitiful and awful. But do you know why I am enjoying this movie? Because it is REAL. As humans in any given point, we laugh, cry & scream. Sometimes, we're up, sometimes, we're down. Although Sophie has experienced horror in Auschwitz, she sometimes dances with her boyfriend. She laughs. Sometimes, she cries. Is she awful for laughing? Is she wallowing when she cries? Is it terrible that she is alive? That she has survived?

all of this has made me think about something we will lose soon - Holocaust & WWII survivors. If I look around at my friends, so few of them ever think about this important experience. Vietnam, sometimes, but that is SO different than WWII. One of the first biographies I read was Anne Frank's Diary - I am setting the stage to read this book to my daughter in the next year. She needs to know about the incredible humanity of the world and the utter sadness of the world. Although Anne Frank died in a camp, she is a wonderful role model for my daughter.

I beg of you - please do not forget the Holocaust - in forgetting, you become desensitized to why it happened.

October thoughts

2009-10-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

Last night, the weather turned into October weather...my daughter had been cool yesterday morning for her field trip & ended up warm with long sleeves at the farm. Oh well. Learning how to feel uncomfortable...It's a life skill, right?

But it's not about the learning to feel uncomfortable - it's about how to deal with it that separates people. From the moment a baby is born, he or she knows about discomfort. It's the way you process it that makes a difference.

Our parenting process has focused on adaptation. When our daughter was little, she needed to be fed whenever she needed it due to her low weight. We didn't look at the clock...if we mixed a bottle & she drank it, then that was the right thing. If not, oh well. We probably fed her a little more than some parents, but she was fine. At night, she would start to get annoyed if she wasn't put in her crib around 8:07. She'd start getting grumpy at 7:50 and then by 8:15, she was fine. We fought through it with her. If we were at someone's house or a restaurant, we didn't have an internal alarm clock at 7:30 that said we had to start getting her ready for bed otherwise the Apocalypse was near.

My dad recounted a story of going to someone's house when my brothers & I were young and how he could say in a commanding voice - WE ARE LEAVING NOW. My brothers & I would get into the car without a problem. I would bet my mom doesn't remember it this way, but that's not my point. Luke & I tell Lily that we're leaving someplace to give her a 5 minute warning. I think that's personal courtesy. Luke tells me he wants to leave because he's tired. I tell him we need to go because I'm tired. Just because she's a child & we're the parents, does that mean we cannot show her some courtesy? Luke felt my dad was scolding us (as he was) for doing that, but it's more of a "Get ready to leave" than a type of "this house will be bombed in 6 minutes, you must evacuate" approach.

No question that when it comes time to leave, we will lay down the law and drag said child kicking & screaming. But do you know how often that happens? Rarely.

Our child is not a different species - she is a person. We usually approach her as if she is - wait for it - a person. When she responds poorly, we then kick it up a notch. And that happens - she has a shoe problem in the morning, where she decides shoes she liked 2 days ago FEEL FUNNY. We give her a chance to rebuckle or retie them, but once is it. After that, we walk down the stairs without her. Knowing time is short, she must figure out what to do. She always follows us down...

It doesn't require yelling, spanking or taking things away. Every once in a while, there are some things that do...But mostly, she knows she has disappointed us, made us boycott her presence for a moment or that we have moved on from this seemingly momentous episode in her life.

She knows that she has angered us & that makes ALL of us sad. But she knows we care less about whether her shoes fit than she does & we aren't willing to listen to it. So she moves on.

And while I do not want to be my daughter's friend, I appreciate, actually adore, when she says, I like you so much. I know that she wouldn't actually say that about her friends, given the age & competition of being a five year old. When she says that, I think she means, you are a good person, I like spending time with you & I think you're nice. And when she says, I love you so much, that is the icing on the cake of Lily.

And when I get scared that I am a bad mom & say that in front of Lily, she is quick to say, You are a great mom. And I wish for her perspective.

5 year old questions

2009-10-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

When my daughter was born, I had one question for those at the receiving end - Is it a girl? Sonograms had shown us the skeletal frame and we could see the 10 toes & 10 fingers. Didn't need to worry about that. But she had been modest (hopefully she stays that way) and we weren't 100% sure of the gender. We knew she'd be on the smallish side - born 5 lbs 12 oz, no surprise - but she was completely proportional, no issues, right? Her size was of some concern given that she had jaundice in a medium bad way, but they did release her when I was released. Prior to birth, that had been my biggest fear - what if I went home without my baby? But they did release her, with the caveat of daily blood tests to check the jaundice. I left the hospital with my lil' bear. My doll baby as many called her.

Tonight, I had to talk to her about some things. She has her swim lessons every Tuesday night and the winter swim team are in the other pool practicing for meets. When we walked in, I noticed a teenage girl with a metal leg. I hoped lil' bear would not notice...she didn't.

But when we were going to the restroom to change her clothes, we had to stop & let the swim team girls into the practice pool. That teenage girl did NOT have her metal leg on. Lil' bear immediately noticed & started to say, Mommy, why is she...We cut her off & said quietly we'll talk about it later.

Seconds later in the restroom as I'm helping her change - Mommy, you said we would talk about that girl. I had assumed I had bought us 20 minutes. NOPE.

I explained that something may have happened when she was in her mommy's tummy. She asked me if I had ever seen anyone like that before. I said yes, that happens in war sometimes. I did NOT mention that her pappy had personal experience with that aspect of war. (I thought about it, but didn't.) So she asked if that girl had been in war. I said no, she was too young & she was probably born with something wrong. Lil told me she was very sad. But I told her there was no need - that girl is ON THE SWIM TEAM. I have TWO legs and I was never on the swim team. (I was never on any team.)

Lil was very perplexed over her ability to swim. She tried to pretend what it would be like without a leg to kick in the pool. We'll probably get some questions about it in the next few days. I don't know what to tell her - but I tried to focus on the fact that this girl is doing what she likes to do.

Feeling sad is not a productive activity - empathy is an important skill though. I sometimes feel sad about certain people I see around town & feel paralyzed by that. I don't want Lil to feel it to that degree. We are all dealt some imperfect hand in this life - physical, mental, family, social, environmental. And you can't look at someone & say "At least my life is better than theirs" because I bet that girl has moved past her disability better than I've moved past my recent foot surgery.

Empathize with people, don't pity them. Pity is judgmental and self-righteous. Empathy is putting yourself in their place - but don't overwhelm yourself with it.

Sleeping & kitty cat snores

2009-10-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

My cat Derby just let out a snore that is pretty impressive for a 14 lb cat. I think it proves regardless of species, guys snore more than girls.

Why?

Snoring to me indicates that most innocent & deep of sleeps. I realize that in truth it is usually part & parcel of sleep apnea, obesity, etc. But I am somewhat jealous of that depth of sleep & lack of awareness.

When I was little, I used to sleep over at my best friend's house about every other week. I had the hardest time sleeping. I had my Strawberry Shortcake slumberbag, but I was uncomfortable. I'd lay awake listening to sounds of her house - Sugar & Coffee, her cocker spaniels, getting comfortable as they settled in for the night. But I was jealous of Beth too - she fell asleep so easily.

Even at home, I would lay awake. When my dad lived there, I remember him opening the door to let some light in and how much that annoyed me. I'd wait a second & get out of bed & close the door. LIGHT=NO SLEEP. I was 4 or 5. Getting to sleep was a major problem for me. Once I was asleep, however, waking up was a problem. Everybody assumed that I had slept from 9 until 6:30 so I SHOULD be fine...but in reality, I'd get into bed at 9:05. I might try to keep the light on to test my mother's patience so as to read as much of the young adult novel I had gotten from the library that night. (My poor mom - forever shuttling me to the library!) I'd turn off the light at 9:15. I would TRY to go to sleep - but what does that mean? Closing my eyes? Meditating? Sometimes, I'd gather all the animals around my room into my bed, thinking that a cozy bed meant sleep.

In the end, I'd go into the hall bathroom. That's sacrosanct, right? Nobody's going to bother you in the bathroom. I'd sit on the tub, reading. I don't think for hours, but I'm sure I read for at least 30 minutes many a night.

There is something within me (I think DNA???) that has categorized me as a night owl. I love being awake late at night when the world is falling asleep. It's not that I'm not a morning person. If I'm awake at 6:30, I'm fine. Of course, it's the getting me awake at 6:30 that is the problem.

The hubby & the little bear are always up before me. But they're grumpy - they need their juice and their coffee before they can get going. The brain is clearly not functioning immediately. But according to the world, they're morning people. No, the morning person is my papa - he gets up early naturally & he's happy to be awake. I'm fine once I'm out of bed - just need the eyedrops to pop open my eyelids (LASIK is somewhat drying).

In this age of genetic engineering, I'd like to know what the gene is for insomnia & night-owlness. What other traits are on it?

Lil Bear totally understands that I need a few minutes to wake up - so she'll pretend to curl up with me and within 30 seconds, Mommy, when can we go downstairs? But she usually does this at 8:30 AM on a Saturday. So I think she may have that gene, but we need extensive testing for this hypothesis...

At what age should you be honest?

2009-05-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Do you know why people love Simon Cowell but demonize him? To me, he exemplifies something about the British people that American lost - maybe it didn't happen right after the Revolution was won at Yorktown, but it began to happen as different groups with differing standards immigrated to the country. In addition to the melting pot of America, terrible things occurred like the Holocaust and minority repression around the world that made us so much more sensitive to others' feelings & needs. So, we began to keep things inside and judge ourselves.

HONESTY

We have lost the ability to be honest with each other. Do you constantly pretend to like people? Do you listen to their annoying stories and stay quiet when they make terrible decisions? Do you stay quiet because you are afraid of offending someone? Because you are scared of losing your job? Of losing a friendship? Of making waves? Do you make sure to have a smile on your face all the time?

As I've gotten older, I have gotten less patient with this social nicety. I seek out few friendships, because I am not a good friend as I dislike dishonesty. I cannot be all things to all people and I don't want to be. A couple people have called this "moodiness" - it is not moodiness. I am being unfriendly because I probably don't like you. I am brash, outspoken, ridiculously sarcastic and ...

oddly sensitive.

I take everything personally. But that is MY issue, not the world's. I need to look within myself to see whether something is true or talk to my husband or my best friends for their realistic understanding of who I am.

When I have discussions about American inhibitions with my British friends, they scoff. I've heard jokes about the British loving their dogs more than their human children. But I understand this. When my cats want to go away & sleep, they do so. When they want love, they come around. A smack on the nose when they jump on the counter, they yowl at you and come back 15 minutes later. (Anybody who knows me knows my cats don't get smacked on the nose when they get on the counter, but we clean the counter constantly, ok??) Barring outright abusive behavior (which is unacceptable), they don't take it personally...

But in America today, this is not the case. I will freely admit that I've felt like someone was angry at me and it bothered me. But it should NOT & that is something I need to overcome. In Cowell's case, he has often commented that he's being honest for the person's own sake. And I agree - more of us should do that. Do not lie to your child if they sing horribly - cancel the singing lessons and look into the piano. I've told my 5 year old daughter that her voice is not great - it hurt her. But you know what? It hurts a lot more when the entire country laughs at you at age 19. I did tell her that she's a good dancer and I'm not. So I sing (and dance OK), she dances (and sings OK) and we both feel successful at those talents and not disappointed in our shortcomings. Honesty does not have to be a four letter word.

And yes, I will cultivate more cat friendships than human ones...if my hubby lets me get more kitties!

Taking a breath

2009-02-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

This winter has been difficult for me. But I am now more than halfway through my MBA program. Even talking about it, though, makes my heart start palpitating. My doctor says it's panic attacks, but if one isn't exactly stressed, why does it happen?

My favorite time is in the car, listening to a good book on my iPod. I adore historical mysteries preferably set in England. I did my history degree thesis on the evolution of the British constitutional monarchy, so I have a thing for England.

Right now, I am listening to C. J. Sansom's Dark Fire. I have always assumed my obsession with history is an escapist one. Although thrillers set in current day do envelope me, the idea of being in a world less like this one interests me. When things were simpler and we didn't spend hours in our cars...

Burberry

2008-11-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

My daughter has finally grown out of her 2T Nautica coat - at the age of 4 1/2. If I bought gloves long enough, she could probably pull it off, right? Really, Washington winters aren't THAT cold....

So, trying to maximize my dollar during this economic downturn, I checked out offers through upromise.com. I can get money put into Lil's college savings account by using this link.

I have a couple requirements for Lil's coat - lined, hood & cute. There's a Burberry one for ummmm...$430 - ugh why can you not CAPITALIZE NUMBERS? I realize that I bought my Escada coat in Heathrow airport in 2003 when the exchange was 1 GBP = 1.5 USD. I bought that coat since I knew Luke couldn't make me return it.

But I wore that coat for FOUR years. Lil, despite her petiteness, will probably not wear a Burberry coat for 4 years. Oh, that's right, she won't - because I won't BUY her one.

Proposals

2008-11-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

A few thoughts on this Thursday:

1) Why does the work week need to be 5 days? Two days to deal with the annoyances of the personal life is a little too light.

2) Golf - Why is it 18 holes? That is too long. Why can't it be 13?

3) Fire drills - This pretense that we're taught from early years - why do we pretend that a drill actually emulates real life? It clearly doesn't. If the fire alarm rang and it was NOT a drill, I have no idea what the F I would do. If you were actually confronted by the thought of death 30 floors up, what would you do? I DON'T KNOW. Flip out? Cry? Make a phone call to my husband & my mommy to say goodbye? Email my will to them? I DON'T KNOW. Yes, I have been under pressure before, but this level of life or death? No, I haven't. So, I don't know how useful the fire drill is. It clearly didn't come in handy for a lot of people in the World Trade Center on 9/11. According to friends of mine who worked on trading floors, they disregarded drills as unimportant.

4) Medicine that makes other things hurt, please end this - Side effects suck. I'm currently on Daypro for my foot. It's really tough on my stomach. I actually had worse cramps this morning than the contractions of Lily's labor.

5) Doctors who discount patients , start listening! - I get that the doctor wanted to go home that day. But I walked in there, with the assumption that I could schedule surgery that day. I've had bone spurs and neuromas (benign nerve tumors) on my foot off & on for the last 12 years. I have this weird feeling in my foot constantly when I put on socks or shoes - this numbness that will never be healed. I do not care that I will lose more feeling in my foot. You know why? Because my foot really fucking hurts. Let's see - no feeling in foot versus continual pain in foot...wow, that's tough. Oh, let's add stomach destroying pain reliever to continual pain in foot - silly me, of course that's better than surgery! Umm, no. Since my old doctor has retired, I had found another practice here in Howard County. In 2005, that doctor gave me a cortisone shot & said, if you're willing to have surgery, that's probably what you should do, given that you understand the nerve loss. I left the office, thinking, right after I have the next kid, I'll have the foot surgery. But then came the breast cancer scare. And then came, uhh, no kid. So, I went to the practice and that cool doctor is gone. Now, a new doctor who wanted to leave asap. So, after the cruise, returning to the doctor and saying - surprisingly, that crap DIDN'T work. Shocking.

6) A new break from the Republican party for people like me - socially liberal, fiscally conservative. I'm against welfare, entitlements, farm subsidies, earmarks, et cetera. Although certain things don't exactly make me jump up & down for joy, I don't feel that I have the right to judge others. Although if you're stupid, I still reserve the right to judge & mock. While I'm very judgmental when I first meet people, I rarely let the first impression rule my actions. Preconceived notions bug me more than they used to. So, I voted for Obama - I actually let my social side overrule my pocketbook. I don't like the constant judging going on right now.

Windows Update & other stuff

2008-10-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday night, another feeling of the desire to withdraw from my latest MBA class. I'm doing my MBA online with UMUC. I have definitely learned management skills and critical thinking as well as discovering the wealth of information out there in online libraries. But I'm very angry this fall.

We received a note during the summer session that they were converting the program to four classes a year in order to allow students to complete their MBA in two years. My current marketing class is my first one compressed into 10 weeks versus 13 weeks. It is terrible. I am not learning much of anything this semester. I'm so overwhelmed by the workload. In one week, this is our list of tasks:

Personal application - short discussion of the marketing topic this week as it relates to my organization
Team project - complete the team work plan which involves team discussions
Individual paper - 6-7 page paper on new product for Sara Lee
Conference activity - participate in team discussions throughout the week

That was the SECOND week. I wrote a nasty note to the professor. How am I supposed to learn when there are these competing tasks?

And Windows Update picked this week to f*** my system. THIRTEEN updates one night made my desktop disappear. So, I have now been doing each update by itself. I am through four. And I have now experienced the BRONTAK.A virus. A Google search was not really that helpful.

Sunday night...

2008-10-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

We're watching another Mad Men episode...what a great show. We're an episode behind, which is very frustrating. In my US Weekly, the finale is supposedly tonight. Please, don't talk about it to me tomorrow. Right now, Don & Pete are in LA and Roger is discussing alimony payments with his attorney.

I used to hate Sundays - in college, that's when my depression would overwhelm me. It felt like a lack of activity and the inertia would lock in. I'm better now on Sundays - I enjoy them. Quieting down for a few minutes and getting mentally ready for the coming week. But I need to sign off & read a book. Get away from the computer, you know?

Legacies

2008-10-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

My uncle David was a wonderful, kind, giving, intelligent man. I spent many summers reading books on his houseboat in Pt. Pleasant, NJ, pretending I was a beautiful young girl meeting a handsome boy at the beach.

David died a few weeks ago - not unexpectedly, but regrettably. He always cared about people - remembered, knew, understood. I always took a rebuke seriously from him because I respected him and I knew that his judgment wasn't a personal dislike of something. It was, rather, a reminder of humility. He never displayed any arrogance & disliked that in others.

He also took time - he didn't rush things although he wasn't tardy, but he set aside time to discover. When I took Luke up to the houseboat for a weekend, we sat at the galley table for a while discussing things. And when I spent a few days up there after college, I remember talking about financial responsibility at that table. I may have felt like I wanted to rush away under that gentle, yet demanding gaze, because he was a good man and I felt sad that I might disappoint him.

Something nice happened tonight and I was talking to my mom. Since Lily is with my mom, she didn't want to be overly emotional about the discussion about David. So, she said Look at Mr. Moon. What she means is - Uncle David is still with us, loves us & shines brightly.

Commutes

2008-10-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

Why do we so often hurry up, wait and then hurry up again? I blame it on our commutes.

Some context - my mom worked in Landover back in the day and it took her 45 minutes to get home to Gaithersburg. When there was a tractor trailer accident (which there was every month), it would take an hour and a half.

The only way it takes 45 minutes to get to Landover from G'burg now is on Sunday night at 10 PM. To go 5 miles in Columbia, I need to make sure I have 15 minutes - going from our place west of 29 to near 95. Traffic is so painful.

I recently thought of looking at a job in Wilmington. If I did that, I'd probably take the train from BWI to Wilmington. I have been in the train when there's been slow traffic ahead, so I won't pretend there aren't problems. But one of the positives I pondered was the idea that I could sit on the train for an hour and be productive. I could do homework, I could read a book, I could blog or I could get a coffee from the cafe. All of these things sound better than sitting in traffic on 395. I do listen to lots of audiobooks - audible.com is a lovely thing - so I do try to relax in my car. But driving is wearing on me (and my silly little stupid right foot) and I just wish...

School

2008-10-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am confused as to why I started to work on my MBA. My husband is working toward partner at his firm, which takes some hours, and I have been the one with the more flexible job who can pick up Lil when necessary. I had been OK with that bfor a while. But I missed the challenges of work where I was constantly engaged & learning. So, I embarked on the path of the MBA.

Now, of course, I'm doing it online. But don't kid yourself if you're thinking about it - it's tough. Six credits a class - originally 13 weeks, now 10 - it is jampacked with activity. And I don't mean busy work. No, it's intellectual discussion in conference blogs, referencing additional research, team projects and research papers. And before you can do that, there is usually 100 pages of reading to do before being able to contribute in a meaningful way.

I realize that I chose this path. And for it to mean something & have value, it has to involve a great deal of effort. I also want Lil to see me working on something - Daddy works a lot and I want her to know that even though I'm not at work, I'm developing myself. She knows I work and I go to school. She tells people that I have homework. My battle sometimes is making sure I portray school as a positive, exciting endeavor. Learning does add to my life, it is just difficult to balance sometimes.

Girls' Night!

2008-10-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

Having a girl, you realize they love their dad. I don't really get that, but realize the predominance of that fact. Whenever Luke is not around, Lily fusses - I want Daddy, when will Daddy be home, et cetera...That streak was recently broken. No fussing, periodic hugs & kisses, smiles...Absolutely shocking...who took my Lily away? Is she whining for you?

Fantasy football

2008-10-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

For the first time I'm actually doing this. It causes a little stress - I'm not quite as vigilant as I should be.

Anybody else?

Flickr

2008-09-29T19:57:00.001-07:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

McDonald's visit

2008-09-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

I took Lulu to McDonald's tonight for a quick McNugget fix. Before going, I asked her if she wanted 4 or 6. Evidently, she was hungry so she asked for 6. However, I didn't want to get her a happy meal since a) she doesn't need a toy, b) she hasn't been eating the fries lately & 3) we were headed home so I wasn't getting her milk that she'd only drink a tablespoon of before geting home.

Thus, I was planning to get a 6 piece McNugget...until he said the total was $2.39. Periodically, my CPA experience comes in handy. Let's see...4 piece on the Dollar Menu costs, uh, well, a dollar. With Maryland's happy little sales tax increase to 6% this year, that makes $1.06. So, if I order two 4 piece McNuggets, I think that totals $2.12. Why would I pay $2.39 for 6 nuggets when I can get 8? Really? Are most people who go to McDonald's that stupid? I'm guessing....

Started watching Daily Show

2008-09-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

So, most of my friends know that I love Stephen Colbert. I love his witticisms - "If I had a quarter for everytime I said I had a nickel, I'd have FIVE times as much theoretical money."

But I started watching Jon Stewart the other day. Always liked him, less crazy than Bill Maher & less angry...although Jon's pretty angry. But he had a great interview with Tony Blair the other day. Jon had a question about politicians and their lack of identification with religion. It seems so important in the US, which is so ironic given the Establishment clause in the Bill of Rights. See, I always appreciate the British - Blair had a great statistic on the religousness of the US versus the UK and then Pakistan. The UK is totally more reserved about it (35%) while the US is about 65% into religion while Pakistan is 95%.

I appreciated Jon's ability to actually listen to Blair - it wasn't completely about being funny. He actually wanted to know the answers.

New TV season!

2008-09-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

Doesn't the start of a new TV season always bring along the excitement that a new show might entertain us differently than last year's standbys?

Tonight, we're starting with Fringe. What will it bring?

So far, cool camera angles.

But the start of it with the jet worries me - is it Lost set in New England? Maybe "Loston"?

MTV VMAs

2008-09-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

Technology is a great thing, right? Well, one of the worst uses is lip syncing. I was actually looking forward to Christina Aguilera's new song - she has a great voice. She's pretty versatile and I like a bunch of her songs. But this was ruined when it became SO obvious she was lip-syncing.

Having been trained in the vocal arts for several years, I'm fully aware of the breath control aspect of singing. And I've had this discussion before.

A good singer can do this - running around on the stage, dancing, interacting, etc. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is a great example. Mariah Carey on the other hand - a lot of her singing is studio crafted. Under the perfect conditions, she has a beautiful voice. But it is weak & it will falter.

As I finish this, Britney Spears is accepting her award for best pop video. Yes, it's a video, there's no talent behind it, except the creative director & the producer and perhaps the songwriter. None of whom are....Britney Spears.

Wow, wearing $300,000

2008-09-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

Cindy McCain was wearing a ton o'money during the RNC. As a chick, I am conflicted about this. I do spend some money on seemingly silly things. And I feel like spending some of this money does impact other parts of the economy. For instance, my purses are made in China. So, the demand for these has pushed a new economy into China. My hope is that as these societies become more industrialized they will be able to demand better conditions given the countries that rely so heavily on them.

Sad tonight

2008-09-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a Republican in terms of fiscal concerns - the last few years with the "war on terrorism" not being cool. I call myself a liberal Republican.

Wow, I don't like Donna Brazile. They liked her speech because it was the same as the last few years - substance over style. But what has Barack Obama done? He went to law school. Yes. He was a community organizer. Yes. Any major accomplishments as a community organizer? Not that I've heard. Writing a couple of memoirs before 50? Yes, that's audaciously hopeful. I didn't hear Obama talk to that single mom, though. But this is my problem - single moms without healthcare are not best addressed at the federal level of a 300 million person country. These are local problems.

I like listening to him - he's an intelligent, thoughtful man. Don't know where that gets our country, though.

Now, McCain - I've supported him since 2000. He & Michael Steele are the only candidates I've ever donated to. I appreciated McCain's independence from the Republicans. I dislike the two party system we've been into since the 1800s. His choice of Palin has changed that.

And now that I have a forum - I need to correct something: the Republicans are the descendants of the Jeffersonian Democrats. Jefferson was afraid of any power being given to the federal government hence the Bill of Rights. The Federalists wanted to centralize the power at the federal level - i.e. eliminating the states' self-governance. This is not a judgment or attack against either way but people need to research their history. Jefferson = Republicans - he didn't want the federal government to interfere in local issues. Jefferson wanted states' rights - he was from the South, people!

And Roland Martin - community organizers are usually found in the large cities. What about the small towns that are suffering from plant closures, etc? Who helps them? So, I'm ok with Palin mocking his experience there. I'm still wondering what he actually did there.

Where did summer go?

2008-09-01T18:10:00.001-07:00

Has anybody else noticed that summer's over? Amazing that the sun is setting around 8 PM.

I am so sad that I didn't do all the stuff I wanted to do this summer. I wanted to go to the pool a lot. I wanted to go to Centennial Park for their sunset serenade concerts. But I did go to Hershey Park and had a fantastic time with Lulu & Luke & our friends.

We had lots of dinners together & spent many hours keeping our kids from fighting too much. We'll continue to do that this fall...

And we have lots planned for the fall - New York in September is beautiful. I'm so excited to go the Little Mermaid! We're also headed to Great Wolf Lodge. Hopefully, we'll remember our camera to keep our memories.

Umm, hello...

2008-08-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

Not exactly sure what I'm doing here...

In reading a couple of my friends' blogs, I've realized that I do want to start "taking notes" on my life. There are so many thoughts that occur to me and I probably should share them in the vein of catharsis.

So, me - I'm currently working for a large asset manager in Baltimore and working on my MBA at Maryland. Doing the online thing because I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter & a husband working toward partner at a CPA firm. I thought online would be somewhat easy, but it's really hard. Self-discipline is required and working with people through electronic communication is difficult. There's a lot of work - I'm glad though, because if there wasn't, I would feel cheapened.

My favorite thing to do is sleep. Although actually, my other favorite thing is hanging out at Iron Bridge Wine Co. To paraphrase the bumper sticker, my money & my daughter go to Iron Bridge. She's getting an education, right? Learning the right glass for Shiraz is important!

Luke & I love traveling - especially cruising on Royal Caribbean. We meet such wonderful people (mostly crew) and enjoy the freedom of cruise ships. I am a firm believer in the element of water as part of our lives...rocking & rolling on the high seas makes me so happy! Sharing it with friends & family is great too - Mom & Papa Bill join us often & share in the relaxation.

So, I'm 32 - 11 days away from being 33. I'm not doing well with growing older...I don't like the way my body's changing, I don't like that I don't have 2 children, I don't like dealing with the deaths of friends & family. I'm also having a little bit of trouble with the realization that my daughter, my pretty Lulu, is not really mine anymore. She is a social being, building her own relationships beyond me & Luke. I try to gather her in my arms when I can - she says, Mommy, why do you always want to hug me?

It's also because I want to show her my love. I'm not good at it - I am so selfish & I don't fully involve myself in her. Those moments when she says I want Daddy hurt so deeply. Those moments when she refuses to let me go when I drop her off at school break my heart in that sweet wonderful way that I cannot leave her. And there is something in my competitive brain that knows that only I can get that full belly laugh from her when we're being silly. So it's OK...